The Need To Be Liked!

I believe we have a deep, innate desire to be both loved and liked by other people. Evidence for this is seen through the value placed upon community across different cultures in our world…and isn’t it often the source of so much of grief?

"Why does this person not love me?" "Why am I not liked?"

I once thought the need to be loved was desired most, yet as I have aged, I have noticed an increased value upon being liked, even more so than being loved from many. The more I looked at myself and those around me, the more I noticed the effort we put into being someone others like.

Like can come in many forms; admiration, respect, value, appreciation, consideration, uplifting and more. We all want it.

There is a close connection between like and love which can create an inner monologue undervaluing ourselves, “If only I was more likeable, then people would value and love me…” In truth, I've taken four decades to finally like myself, irrespective of anyone else and that’s what I want to talk about in this post…

I know there are many contributing factors as to why I did not truly like myself for such a long time, such as history, family dynamics, trauma, genetics and even factors I am likely still unaware of – these factors both conscious and unconscious are something people can work through with therapy. But today I want to share a few changes which have made a real difference (I believe) for deep change to occur within me - they may be of help for you.

Over the past decade I have been on a healing journey to both discover myself and truly love myself – better still, honestly like myself.

At first, I thought truly understanding God’s love for me would be enough for me to like myself. It was a great help. Understanding God’s love for me and others, became my source of strength and empathy. However even though I knew God’s love for me, and I felt it for others, I struggled to give it to myself. I never really put myself first, as I did not feel I deserved it. I forgave myself, yet I didn't really like myself. When I recognised this, I even wondered if there was something wrong with my faith...

I eventually came to realise, although I tried my best to base my internal value upon God’s love for me and who He says I am as His daughter through Jesus, the world’s voices and my own were equally as important in impacting my wellbeing. Perhaps I was over-simplifying my need, as we are holistic beings who live in community with God, other people, and ourselves.

I knew I did not have all the answers to self-love, or the self-like I needed, so I continued to pursue things which I believed were in alignment with my talent/s, God would approve of, and would in turn become some foundations for a life I would be happy to have one day. I grew stronger in self-acceptance, but genuinely liking myself was still very difficult.

I found it easier to focus on my flaws rather than celebrating my abilities…and in truth it seemed humbler to stay this way. My mindset was, “If I am humble, loving and kind, the right people will accept and like me.”

Many times I covered up my excellence and competencies to make the ‘right people’ more comfortable around me, in the hope they would not be put-off and I would be more likeable. I played second to others. I upheld submissiveness and humility to avoid being seen as conceited, arrogant, snobby, or in love with myself. I saw myself at times almost like a martyr. I downplayed compliments, while praising others. I was self-deprecating in conversations. I held back my intellect. Too many times I let down my boundaries, and accepted less than what I deserved. I did not respect myself enough.

I tried so hard to be the ‘perfect Christian woman’, unknowingly I handed over my power and in turn my dignity – and honestly who likes someone like that? My effort to make other people more comfortable became compromises which made me dissatisfied. Sometimes other people devalued me, as they could not see the whole person I was capable of being.

I am not saying I was constantly like this, nor am I recommending a polar-opposite approach to humility as the answer…but I have found liking myself has finally come about through accepting and celebrating my talents and abilities and not being afraid to share this side with others from a fear of not being liked or accepted.

Liking myself has not come about through accepting God’s love and opinion of me alone (although that helped). Nor has it come about through getting to really know myself (again, although that has helped). It has not come about through acceptance of who I am as an individual either…all these areas helped but what helped me to like myself, was when I stopped trying to make everyone else happy, or comfortable around me – when I finally decided to advocate for myself and communicate what I deserved from others, I was able to implement healthy boundaries and became proud of myself for what I have achieved and overcome.

I realised one day recently I finally like myself, praise God.

Am I perfect? No, absolutely not, but this is no longer a factor…I can like myself today, even with flaws because I look at all the great and wonderful things about me and let go of the negative. I don’t think this is pride, or even self-acceptance – it’s better – it’s truly liking me for me right here, right now even though I know there’s better still to come.

Hope this helps someone -

Melanie.

 

Pride Come Before the Fall: Self Care and Humility.

As you may be aware I recently began a new chapter in life, working towards my Masters in Counselling. One subject this term is Self Care which looks at both personal and professional self care practices and boundaries for ourselves and our clients…

While theoretically the study is rather straight forward and the subject itself is not new for me, I must be honest and admit, taking a fresh look at the subject with where I am currently in my own life is something I have needed. 

You see, with the utmost sincere intention and enthusiasm I enrolled into the accelerated 12month Graduate Diploma program which comes before a second year for the Masters qualification. I thought, planned, and prayed, deciding this was the best option so I could attain my goal as quickly as possible while my youngest two children were still living at home. I just didn’t factor into my schedule for the unexpected things in life which seem to come out of nowhere…I also didn’t factor into my plan the need for down time to simple rest and do nothing, to just be still…

Something I have found personally beneficial for my own wellbeing and self care, is taking the time to just be still and present. It’s an integral part of enabling me to feel grounded and ready for the day ahead – this can be either at the start or end of my day. Sometimes I pray during these quiet moments. Sometimes I just lay, curled up in my bed and feel the soft fabric against my skin and ponder happy thoughts. I really need that time with myself alone, where I am not giving to anyone else.

Now back to that plan I made. My schedule in theory was reasonable and attainable but I did not factor in those unexpected ‘miscellaneous’ life happenings, or the need to just do nothing. The end goal was so appealing, I think it blinded me to my human fragility – yes, my pride was in the way.

Over a month ago I became unwell with a flu virus and to my frustration, I still am not fully recovered. I found myself needing more sleep than usual, still lacking energy, and suffering with a lingering, dry cough! I began to feel overwhelmed with my new work/study schedule. My pride however was honestly the main source of my frustration rather than my human frailty! I quickly realised I had made a mistake with my new plan, as I did not allow for the unexpected, or time to just do nothing! My pride associated in attaining the goal of finishing the qualification as quickly as possible almost became my undoing…

Thankfully my study mentor gave me a phone call to check in and without being aware of my current struggle, mentioned if I needed, I could change my enrolment to 18 months rather than the accelerated 12 months. I mentioned my health was suffering and would think about the option…yes, my pride was still in the way! I later went to a health appointment and was told my immune system was still low and I needed more time to recover. 

I was physically unwell and mentally a ball of stress! I did not want to change my goal! I believed however, God was speaking to me, so I called my study mentor back to make arrangements for changing my enrolment – this took letting go of my pride and choosing the self care option which took mature humility.

Yes, in theory self care is easy…but it’s not always so straight forward.

I have found taking a fresh look at this important subject of self care has reminded me the need for digging deep and taking the time for self reflection to really know ourselves – which does change in different seasons of our lives. When we take the time for self reflection in humility, this allows for better self care choices.

They say, ‘pride comes before the fall’ and I must agree this is great advice. I believe the solution to pride though is both humility and implementing realistic and personal self care practices.

Once I made the decision to let go of my pride and change my enrolment, peace followed. After the peace came, I felt the stress leave and began to enjoy my study. I became aware my focus on the end goal was hindering my appreciation of the journey and learning. I am reminded once again an achievement doesn’t define who I am, and external validations are mostly superficial. Oh how pride truly does get in the way so very often...

Love Melanie.

And So It Begins...

Another new chapter of life has begun in the life of this Ordinary Aussie Woman...

I have found, when youth has passed and you feel life should be both comfortable and reliable, a new chapter is not the most easiest to embrace with grace and courage.

But alas in truth, people and the world don't seem to change very much or very often, so I am sure you can relate to the fact that even when we feel entitled to enjoy our middle or latter years, we're forced to embrace yet another new chapter...oh how at times such as this I miss my youthful, excitable and optimistic youth...

What does embracing a new chapter of life gracefully and courageously look like for you?

For me once the period of grief has passed, the three main keys of a new chapter are: goal setting, routine and boundaries.

Goal Setting: I personally need to feel as if my days are counting towards a greater goal which is a part of my new chapter. I have recently begun study to work towards a a Masters in Counselling. While my new life chapter is both beginning and unfolding, I feel this goal will help give my life more focus and meaning each day.

Routine: As a creative person I can really struggle to maintain healthy routines as spontaneous ideas will often take precedence and I honestly can't bear a mundane lifestyle. Yet routine is good for me in times such as a new life chapter. So I've been implementing strategies to help me maintain a healthy, weekly routine which includes study, work, parenting and self-care. Routine really helps me battle laziness and procrastination!

Boundaries: I believe empathetic people can struggle with boundary setting and keeping, as their hearts can be so easily swayed. Yet boundaries are really important for our own mental health and wellbeing. I used to think boundaries were inflexible rules, yet I have found I have been able to embrace and implement them better once I began to view my boundaries as my own integral, personal standards. I was able to better understand the worth of boundaries once I was able to better comprehend my own worth as a unique and special woman.

I know the road ahead will be both challenging and full of unexpected surprises, yet I am determined to keep moving forward in hope...

And so it begins...a new chapter of life for me working towards my Masters in Counselling, as the grief of losing my marriage has passed. A new chapter being embraced with all the grace and courage I can muster due to my faith in Jesus who always remains faithful!

Would love to hear your thoughts on embracing new chapters in grace and courage,

love Melanie.

Where To From Here

Where to from here, where to from here?

This has been the question I have asked both myself and God, many times over the past two years, as the river of life threw me over the edge and I found myself free-falling down a torrential waterfall of betrayal, abandonment and grief. 

I know it's been a while since I have written but I've needed this time to just simply function and be present with both myself and my children. But the time has come for a new chapter and today I find myself with the desire to begin writing again...so welcome to Life of an Ordinary Aussie Woman: Moving Forward.

For those of you who don't know I wrote on my blog Life of an Ordinary Aussie Woman, for around seven years. As a creative and single person, I found writing posts really helpful and cathartic in expressing and sharing my thoughts and ideas about how I experienced life. I made many online friends through writing on the blog too and it was a wonderful experience.

The Last time I wrote on Life of an Ordinary Aussie Woman was over two years ago. I wrote a reflective post about how the three years prior had been like a river full of twists and turns, as I learned to be re-married. I wrote how I felt those three years had been like an apprenticeship, and I was ready for the river to become straight and calm as I had learned so many new skills.

Yes, I was ready for a new chapter as the past three years had not been easy (there were some times of happiness) but it had been difficult for both myself and children. I was really ready for a new chapter and to even begin writing on the blog again, as that was something I had not been inspired very much to do. My mental energy had been fully devoted to the new union I had entered into. If you like you can read that final post here.

Only four months after writing that post, I suddenly became single. Single once again. Oh the humiliation I felt. I honestly did not see it coming, as I really did give it everything - and failure is something I am not good with. But a marriage requires more than one person being committed and loyal.

Yes, the river changed so suddenly. The rapids, twists, and turns rather than being a sign of disaster, distracted and confused me from what was fast approaching - the end. I suddenly found myself free-falling down what felt like a deadly waterfall. I was tossed and tumbled, beaten and worn down. Yet as The Lord is always faithful, my children and I found shelter and respite in a new house He provided at just the right time.

I both rested and wrestled, made good choices and bad, cried and laughed, while feeling anger and relief at times simultaneously. And while almost everything was lost in that waterfall, the things which remained were all that mattered - me, my children and faith. Oh, we also had our loyal dog, Jack!

So many sleep deprived nights asking myself over and over again, where to from here, where to from here, Lord? So many sleep deprived nights questioning my discernment and judgement. So many nights with so many questions and yet no clear answers.

It seems strange to write - although I had no clear answers as to why my new marriage for which I had so much hope for, had come to such a sudden and awfully rapid end, and while I had so much grief and anger - I still had a surreal calmness and peace, knowing I was exactly where I was supposed to be - that the answers would come when the time was right!

Everything was washed away in a waterfall that was meant to destroy me. I lost basically everything - including my home, income, and people whom I thought were a part of our lives.

However here I am, along with my children, almost two years later, feeling well and grateful. Yes, here I am with my faith, children, dignity, health and wellbeing. I still have questions, but along the way I've found everything we've needed has been supplied. 

I have learned one thing over the past, almost, two years - when everything gets taken away, you may actually find what you were missing. 

In that marriage I lost myself - I am not blaming anyone for that as I wasn't forced into anything, but since he left I have found myself again. I am not the same as before, rather I am more. I am more resilient, creative, compassionate, understanding and powerful. I may not have found my happy-ever-after but I have found so much more about myself, faith, truth, love and life.

The life of Joseph has been such a great comfort to me over this time and the words he spoke to his brothers are such a wonderful lesson, "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. So then, don’t be afraid. I will provide for you and your children.” And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them." Genesis 50:20-21.

Our lives may not unfold as we had hoped, like some great romance novel, or some charismatic evangelist, or even in simplistic peace and happiness - no they're more than likely going to be messy, complicated and difficult. We may often find ourselves asking where to from here? Where to from here? And we may not often have the answers we long for...

In this life, people most likely will really hurt you - not all but most - they will betray and abandon you. However what they intend for your destruction, if you allow it, God can use to accomplish His great plan for your life. Let me repeat that - His great plan for your life. Not your great plan. This distinction is both important and humbling.

Losing everything is indeed awful. So when you find yourself asking, where to from here? Be prepared to wait for His directions and while you wait, give yourself (and children) the gift of kindness, grace and peace. Allow yourself time to grieve the loss, and give permission to what was lost to remain so.

Where to from here? I believe the true answer will come, in part, one step at a time, when the time is right, as the grief and loss has become a part of you, and you have been made stronger for it.

In love and peace, Melanie.