Where To From Here

Where to from here, where to from here?

This has been the question I have asked both myself and God, many times over the past two years, as the river of life threw me over the edge and I found myself free-falling down a torrential waterfall of betrayal, abandonment and grief. 

I know it's been a while since I have written but I've needed this time to just simply function and be present with both myself and my children. But the time has come for a new chapter and today I find myself with the desire to begin writing again...so welcome to Life of an Ordinary Aussie Woman: Moving Forward.

For those of you who don't know I wrote on my blog Life of an Ordinary Aussie Woman, for around seven years. As a creative and single person, I found writing posts really helpful and cathartic in expressing and sharing my thoughts and ideas about how I experienced life. I made many online friends through writing on the blog too and it was a wonderful experience.

The Last time I wrote on Life of an Ordinary Aussie Woman was over two years ago. I wrote a reflective post about how the three years prior had been like a river full of twists and turns, as I learned to be re-married. I wrote how I felt those three years had been like an apprenticeship, and I was ready for the river to become straight and calm as I had learned so many new skills.

Yes, I was ready for a new chapter as the past three years had not been easy (there were some times of happiness) but it had been difficult for both myself and children. I was really ready for a new chapter and to even begin writing on the blog again, as that was something I had not been inspired very much to do. My mental energy had been fully devoted to the new union I had entered into. If you like you can read that final post here.

Only four months after writing that post, I suddenly became single. Single once again. Oh the humiliation I felt. I honestly did not see it coming, as I really did give it everything - and failure is something I am not good with. But a marriage requires more than one person being committed and loyal.

Yes, the river changed so suddenly. The rapids, twists, and turns rather than being a sign of disaster, distracted and confused me from what was fast approaching - the end. I suddenly found myself free-falling down what felt like a deadly waterfall. I was tossed and tumbled, beaten and worn down. Yet as The Lord is always faithful, my children and I found shelter and respite in a new house He provided at just the right time.

I both rested and wrestled, made good choices and bad, cried and laughed, while feeling anger and relief at times simultaneously. And while almost everything was lost in that waterfall, the things which remained were all that mattered - me, my children and faith. Oh, we also had our loyal dog, Jack!

So many sleep deprived nights asking myself over and over again, where to from here, where to from here, Lord? So many sleep deprived nights questioning my discernment and judgement. So many nights with so many questions and yet no clear answers.

It seems strange to write - although I had no clear answers as to why my new marriage for which I had so much hope for, had come to such a sudden and awfully rapid end, and while I had so much grief and anger - I still had a surreal calmness and peace, knowing I was exactly where I was supposed to be - that the answers would come when the time was right!

Everything was washed away in a waterfall that was meant to destroy me. I lost basically everything - including my home, income, and people whom I thought were a part of our lives.

However here I am, along with my children, almost two years later, feeling well and grateful. Yes, here I am with my faith, children, dignity, health and wellbeing. I still have questions, but along the way I've found everything we've needed has been supplied. 

I have learned one thing over the past, almost, two years - when everything gets taken away, you may actually find what you were missing. 

In that marriage I lost myself - I am not blaming anyone for that as I wasn't forced into anything, but since he left I have found myself again. I am not the same as before, rather I am more. I am more resilient, creative, compassionate, understanding and powerful. I may not have found my happy-ever-after but I have found so much more about myself, faith, truth, love and life.

The life of Joseph has been such a great comfort to me over this time and the words he spoke to his brothers are such a wonderful lesson, "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. So then, don’t be afraid. I will provide for you and your children.” And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them." Genesis 50:20-21.

Our lives may not unfold as we had hoped, like some great romance novel, or some charismatic evangelist, or even in simplistic peace and happiness - no they're more than likely going to be messy, complicated and difficult. We may often find ourselves asking where to from here? Where to from here? And we may not often have the answers we long for...

In this life, people most likely will really hurt you - not all but most - they will betray and abandon you. However what they intend for your destruction, if you allow it, God can use to accomplish His great plan for your life. Let me repeat that - His great plan for your life. Not your great plan. This distinction is both important and humbling.

Losing everything is indeed awful. So when you find yourself asking, where to from here? Be prepared to wait for His directions and while you wait, give yourself (and children) the gift of kindness, grace and peace. Allow yourself time to grieve the loss, and give permission to what was lost to remain so.

Where to from here? I believe the true answer will come, in part, one step at a time, when the time is right, as the grief and loss has become a part of you, and you have been made stronger for it.

In love and peace, Melanie.