The Need To Be Liked!

I believe we have a deep, innate desire to be both loved and liked by other people. Evidence for this is seen through the value placed upon community across different cultures in our world…and isn’t it often the source of so much of grief?

"Why does this person not love me?" "Why am I not liked?"

I once thought the need to be loved was desired most, yet as I have aged, I have noticed an increased value upon being liked, even more so than being loved from many. The more I looked at myself and those around me, the more I noticed the effort we put into being someone others like.

Like can come in many forms; admiration, respect, value, appreciation, consideration, uplifting and more. We all want it.

There is a close connection between like and love which can create an inner monologue undervaluing ourselves, “If only I was more likeable, then people would value and love me…” In truth, I've taken four decades to finally like myself, irrespective of anyone else and that’s what I want to talk about in this post…

I know there are many contributing factors as to why I did not truly like myself for such a long time, such as history, family dynamics, trauma, genetics and even factors I am likely still unaware of – these factors both conscious and unconscious are something people can work through with therapy. But today I want to share a few changes which have made a real difference (I believe) for deep change to occur within me - they may be of help for you.

Over the past decade I have been on a healing journey to both discover myself and truly love myself – better still, honestly like myself.

At first, I thought truly understanding God’s love for me would be enough for me to like myself. It was a great help. Understanding God’s love for me and others, became my source of strength and empathy. However even though I knew God’s love for me, and I felt it for others, I struggled to give it to myself. I never really put myself first, as I did not feel I deserved it. I forgave myself, yet I didn't really like myself. When I recognised this, I even wondered if there was something wrong with my faith...

I eventually came to realise, although I tried my best to base my internal value upon God’s love for me and who He says I am as His daughter through Jesus, the world’s voices and my own were equally as important in impacting my wellbeing. Perhaps I was over-simplifying my need, as we are holistic beings who live in community with God, other people, and ourselves.

I knew I did not have all the answers to self-love, or the self-like I needed, so I continued to pursue things which I believed were in alignment with my talent/s, God would approve of, and would in turn become some foundations for a life I would be happy to have one day. I grew stronger in self-acceptance, but genuinely liking myself was still very difficult.

I found it easier to focus on my flaws rather than celebrating my abilities…and in truth it seemed humbler to stay this way. My mindset was, “If I am humble, loving and kind, the right people will accept and like me.”

Many times I covered up my excellence and competencies to make the ‘right people’ more comfortable around me, in the hope they would not be put-off and I would be more likeable. I played second to others. I upheld submissiveness and humility to avoid being seen as conceited, arrogant, snobby, or in love with myself. I saw myself at times almost like a martyr. I downplayed compliments, while praising others. I was self-deprecating in conversations. I held back my intellect. Too many times I let down my boundaries, and accepted less than what I deserved. I did not respect myself enough.

I tried so hard to be the ‘perfect Christian woman’, unknowingly I handed over my power and in turn my dignity – and honestly who likes someone like that? My effort to make other people more comfortable became compromises which made me dissatisfied. Sometimes other people devalued me, as they could not see the whole person I was capable of being.

I am not saying I was constantly like this, nor am I recommending a polar-opposite approach to humility as the answer…but I have found liking myself has finally come about through accepting and celebrating my talents and abilities and not being afraid to share this side with others from a fear of not being liked or accepted.

Liking myself has not come about through accepting God’s love and opinion of me alone (although that helped). Nor has it come about through getting to really know myself (again, although that has helped). It has not come about through acceptance of who I am as an individual either…all these areas helped but what helped me to like myself, was when I stopped trying to make everyone else happy, or comfortable around me – when I finally decided to advocate for myself and communicate what I deserved from others, I was able to implement healthy boundaries and became proud of myself for what I have achieved and overcome.

I realised one day recently I finally like myself, praise God.

Am I perfect? No, absolutely not, but this is no longer a factor…I can like myself today, even with flaws because I look at all the great and wonderful things about me and let go of the negative. I don’t think this is pride, or even self-acceptance – it’s better – it’s truly liking me for me right here, right now even though I know there’s better still to come.

Hope this helps someone -

Melanie.