Open & Shut Doors: Christian Discernment, Wisdom and Maturity.

Open & Shut Doors: Christian Discernment, Wisdom and Maturity.

Thankfully I’ve been a committed Christian now since 2005 which makes 18 years – it’s incredible even saying 18 years out loud, as in truth it’s gone by so incredibly fast, along with my children growing up.

Good years, challenging years and learning years.

I remember the early years like yesterday, where I would timidly reply one, two or three years, when people would ask me how long I had been a Christian. I remember my continual awe at our awesome God’s grace and forgiveness, and the long time it took for me to forgive myself for my past mistakes. I remember people being incredibly shocked I had become ‘one of those’. I remember wanting to share my new salvation story with others so desperately, so they could experience what I had too.

I remember vividly, the blissful period which followed, where so much healing, joy and peace were found. Getting to personally know Jesus as my saviour and friend – the feasting upon scripture and learning it for myself – becoming equipped.

Then the hard times came – not that there weren’t troubles before – but the end of my marriage to my children’s dad and what followed was one of the most difficult times of my life. Although I felt so low, abandoned and betrayed by my children’s dad – I knew The Lord was with me, helping me through. My faith, knowledge of scripture and personal relationship with Jesus saw me through.

I remember praying at lot during this period, for The Lord to please “open or shut the door” about many choices and decisions. It wasn’t as if I had never prayed this before but during that difficult period it became much more, as I felt so confused, alone and vulnerable. And, The Lord would answer so clearly, with doors often instantly slamming, with one remaining open. This would lead me to peaceful clarification. Even during times of loneliness, I still felt so blessed and protected.

Because this prayer was answered so much, over many years, I began to rely upon this – almost like a sign I suppose, although at the time I very much, did not view it as such. I would always ask The Lord to please show me the way with an open or closed door, and this went on for years…That was until a time in 2016 or 2017 when I prayed this request and chose to ignore other ‘red flag signs’. The door seemed open, so I stepped through when I really should have had better wisdom to have considered those ‘red flags’ more thoroughly. I had been a Christian by this time for over ten years. I knew scripture, and had obtained a theological degree, but I still had not fully matured in wisdom and discernment.

The door I chose to step through led me into a new period of great hurt, ill health, family disruption, and more grief. It took me quite a while to process everything that happened – including my own spiritual immaturity.

This past week however has been an incredibly interesting one to say the least, leading me to a new appreciation of open and shut doors…

It began when I received an incredibly difficult letter which brought me to tears, followed immediately by a separate, miraculous offer. I knew The Lord was confirming I was right on track with His plan for my life through these instances. I can’t go into details at this time but it was like the letter was a final door closing and the offer the new door opening – both of which I had not prayed, or asked for…

Then later this week I had a repeat encounter with a relatively new person which was somewhat confusing, and I found myself, without thinking, praying for a clear open or shut door from The Lord. You see, I wasn’t sure if this person was to be a supporting part of my approaching new chapter which seems to be unfolding, or not. What followed seemed to be a clear open door which was very exciting!

Through the excitement however I still felt unsure, as I did not have peace due to some possible early red flags – so even with an open door, I decided to gather more information. It took me a couple of days, over which those red flags began being confirmed – but as the door seemed quite open I kept digging until I found something so shocking it was beyond the early possible red flag signs. I instantly knew I would be a fool not to slam this door shut myself, as The Lord was showing me the truth.

As the shock passed, I felt relieved and understood, The Lord helped me to grow in our relationship together through this experience. I’ve learned practically, while I can pray for open and shut doors, He also wants to grow my wisdom and discernment. He wants me to mature, so I can shut doors confidently myself in faith, knowing He is always by my side and willing to show me the truth if I’m also willing to be patient and watchful – for how else will I grow?

When we are children (both literal and spiritual) we are very dependent upon others and therefore trusting. But good parents equip us for adulthood and help us to mature through teaching us to become wise in the ways of the world, so we can confidently pray and make our own decisions. Again this applies spiritually, as God is a good father who wants to mature us, so we can confidently pray and make our own decisions, to stay on track for His good plan for our lives, fully aware of the ways of the world.

I have learnt, maturity takes time – so if you make a mistake, pray about it, forgive yourself and most importantly learn from it. Study both scripture and psychology and always be patient and observant. Just as Jesus warned, “I am sending you out like sheep among wolves, therefore be wise as serpents and innocent as doves.” Matthew 10:16. Therefore we are to remain gentle, friendly and kind, yet we are not to be fools and naïve like children, who often are oblivious to the world’s ways and fall into traps. While some open doors are definitely a part of our good futures, other open doors can become traps – yet when we learn from them, we can escape being stronger for the experience.

Peace, Melanie.

Suffering & Hard-work Is Necessary For Youth: Building Character & Resiliency.

Suffering and hard work is necessary to build character and resilience in youth.

True love involves sacrifice.

And this sacrifice is not just about you and what you’re willing to sacrifice.

It applies to those you love too.

True love for them means allowing them to suffer and sacrifice, it’s not continually sacrificing yourself to save them. This only breeds entitlement.

True love is giving the hard talks, putting consequences in place and expecting something in return.

Entitlement does not build resiliency or character. Hard work and pain does…

For a long time now where I live the advice given to young people is to find what you love and pursue that for a happy life…under the label of well-being and good mental health we give the next generation everything they want, just as long as they’re happy.

Now I’m not saying we should be unreasonable, uncompassionate dictators, or that using our talents does not lead to feeling more fulfilled in life.

But I want to ask, how many of our youth are lost without purpose and drive? How many disconnect and sit facing a screen day in, day out, in a world of fantasy while a parent urges and begs them to reconnect and give something a go? How many rage at their caregiver when asked to contribute to their household and society? How many give-up when their ‘dream’ seems out of reach?

Thankfully this is not all youth.

Thankfully there are parents and caregivers still willing to put boundaries in place and push their young people forward and make them do things they DO NOT ENJOY!

Life is hard but it’s even harder when you have not developed resiliency.

Life will knock you down – but it will knock your kids down too, so help them to be prepared by not making everything so easy for them. Let them taste hard work and success on their own.

Stop enabling compliancy, laziness, and entitlement.

Let them suffer and help them learn resiliency by pushing through.

Stop solving every problem!

Rather start with listening and helping them to brainstorm and problem solve themselves.

Stop giving and providing to ensure there is no need – without need there’s no hunger or motivation!

Rather encourage from the side lines.

I’m not saying cut them off, or kick them out – but there should be a middle ground for our youth to transition into autonomous adulthood with resiliency and character.

Continually fixating and trying to solve the problem will not help your child to mature and overcome.

Continually making excuses for their behaviour will not help your child to mature and overcome.

Continually demanding the world to change for your child will not help your child to mature and overcome.

Everyday is a new chance to hit reset and as I’ve heard many times in the past, “They will thank you one day!”

Peace, 

Melanie.

Being Present & Truly Listening

In a time-poor, fast paced, day and age, taking the time to listen to someone else, and I mean honestly listening to them without any other agenda or distractions, without trying to fix them, educate or blame them, can feel like a scarcity.

Doesn't it feel at times, our societies have so much in quantity, yet we’re lacking so much quality in our personal interactions?

How many of us have the latest phones yet don’t spare the time to look up and genuinely connect?

A movement of change though can start with one person and can spread as a positive contagion, so don’t give up! Never underestimate the gift of yourself – you can be an amazing gift to another person – simply your presence, time, and effort to truly listen is of immense worth.

I encourage you to take some time out of your day to reach out to someone else and simply have a genuine conversation.

I also encourage you to choose someone else whom you will not gain anything from, other than the conversation itself and when you do talk, try your best to be present, giving your full attention and truly listen.

You could truly change someone’s day, week, or more!

Choose wisely and reach out.

Remember, truly listening to someone else is both a choice and privilege. 

To listen can be a challenge, for to truly listen one must give their whole self with intent and the gift of their presence and time.

When listening we are not always listening to someone’s words, but hopefully their heart and the meaning and behind the words. 

True listening is at times silence and listening in-between when no words are spoken out loud. 

A wise person listens first and speaks second, they measure their words whereas a fool does not. 

True listening is a gift to someone else and we can develop our skill in this through practice!

Love is not always shown in words or actions – so reach out, show up, be intentionally present and gift yourself to someone else to change their day!

Be kind, Melanie.

Time Control and the need for Deep Rest.

Time Control.

There are so many expressions we use often about time aren’t there?

Here’s a few…

It went by in the blink of an eye.  I just don’t have the time!

If only I had more time.  It’s not worth my time!

How much longer will this take?  Time is money!

Time heals all wounds.  Just in the nick of time!

Wanna kill some time?  I’ve got too much time on my hands.

Time flies when you’re having fun!  If I could turn back time.

If I do this it will save me time!  What do you do in your spare time?

 

With my first study term about to conclude soon, it almost feels like time is flying by and more than ever, I know I need to continue prioritising time for deep rest to enjoy this new chapter and journey in my life.

 

Interestingly, I had a student tell me recently in one of my art classes that scientists have measured time, and discovered our days are getting shorter…that time is indeed going faster than ever! So yes, I looked it up and this is what I’ve found via google. Shown below as my screenshot:

I was a little shocked at learning this however even if the amount is by half a millisecond, I think many of us have felt our days going faster, and it’s not just with increased age. Even the children often remark in my classes, saying how fast the days go, and I honestly never remember my childhood being like that.

Everything seems faster today. Travel, information, the spreading of diseases, connecting with others…

Oftentimes it can feel like everyone is in a rush to get somewhere, or to do something…just what that is though it seems is not easily communicated, it seems just the standard way of living now. The phrase, “it’s a rat race” seems more fitting than ever at times. And, for many this lifestyle and pace is idolised and held in high esteem…unfortunately at the cost of wellbeing for too many. Many of us are aware mental health issues are reportedly on the rise more than ever.

Time Control is indeed highly desirable, if not more than ever!

I cannot help but think of the infamous Dr Who series so many people adore…the eccentric time travelling scientist, from the planet of the Time Lords. While Dr Who is not my personal preference to watch, the plot is a fitting analogy into mankind’s desire to be Lord over themselves and indeed time.

Yet, in all our efforts to schedule, monetise, or control our time wisely, it seems for many, time becomes their master, rather than the other way around. Just as the bible appropriately asserts whatever we have as number one will indeed enslave us and become our master…

Time. How often do we think, given more time we will be happy? When we reach that goal. When we get to that destination. When we get that new house. When we have enough money saved. Around and around, we go on that running wheel, like a rodent in its cage.

In recent times I’ve heard stories of wives finally achieving their wonderful trip around Australia, or their new dream home, or “fill in the blank” only to then realise they’re not happy, and leave the marriage, even walk out on their husband and children. In the past this was something we associated with men having their “mid-life crisis”. While I’m not saying either is right, I simply find it both interesting and sad. Why is it people run their race of life, only to attain self-realisation after achieving what they want, to discover they’re not happy?

Were they ever happy? Or were they just so busy focusing on attaining, to stop and reflect upon the life they were building along the way? Yet isn’t this “new fresh start” just another achievement to attain in the vain quest of self-importance? Why isn’t one’s family and children of enough value?

When did the destination become greater than the journey?

Why did taking the time to just be and do nothing become dispensable?

Why did individual worth become so tied up with owing a house, running a business, taking an overseas trip, wearing designer clothes, driving a sports car, attending the right school, having a title, or degree?

Why do so many of us struggle to just be still – loving ourselves and those around us simply as we are today?

Less can indeed be so much more, and quality of relationships will always trump a quantity of superficial shallow acquaintances.

We need time out.

And we need time out before it’s too late!

We need time to do nothing but rest. We must allow our minds to truly switch-off and experience real, deep rest. We need to relax and just be present with ourselves first, and others second. And time out includes doing things such as spiritual or religious practices.

It’s good to have a goal or two, but if we can’t relax and enjoy the journey along the way we will burn out. And sadly, on the way to burn out people often ruin the relationships with people they truly need in their lives. Constant strain takes a toll on the mental wellbeing of the individual and those close to them. Yet with each new day a new opportunity comes to live differently.

Indeed as Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 states, “For everything there is a season, A time for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest.”

We need to steward our time and self-care which involves saying no and taking time out.

There is much worth to living a tranquil and quiet life in godliness and honesty as Paul assured Timothy in his epistle, 1 Tim 2:2. Taking time was also exemplified by Jesus who did not rush into ministry even though at age twelve he was clearly a theological prodigy, he took time out and met the Samaritan woman at the well, he was considered late when Lazarus was dying, he took time to eat and drink with sinners, and Jesus took time out and fell asleep at the back of the boat! Jesus did not rush and yet He was always where He was supposed to be, and loving people as He journeyed through this life. The best person in all of time did not rush. His heart was for His Father in heaven and others, not himself or his idea of time.

So take time out to do nothing. Spend time doing things which nurture your soul and ease your mind – it’s okay. Give yourself time to breath and embrace the life you have – stop looking for the next new or perceived next best thing, as you may indeed suffer ‘buyer’s regret’.

In peace, Melanie.

The Need To Be Liked!

I believe we have a deep, innate desire to be both loved and liked by other people. Evidence for this is seen through the value placed upon community across different cultures in our world…and isn’t it often the source of so much of grief?

"Why does this person not love me?" "Why am I not liked?"

I once thought the need to be loved was desired most, yet as I have aged, I have noticed an increased value upon being liked, even more so than being loved from many. The more I looked at myself and those around me, the more I noticed the effort we put into being someone others like.

Like can come in many forms; admiration, respect, value, appreciation, consideration, uplifting and more. We all want it.

There is a close connection between like and love which can create an inner monologue undervaluing ourselves, “If only I was more likeable, then people would value and love me…” In truth, I've taken four decades to finally like myself, irrespective of anyone else and that’s what I want to talk about in this post…

I know there are many contributing factors as to why I did not truly like myself for such a long time, such as history, family dynamics, trauma, genetics and even factors I am likely still unaware of – these factors both conscious and unconscious are something people can work through with therapy. But today I want to share a few changes which have made a real difference (I believe) for deep change to occur within me - they may be of help for you.

Over the past decade I have been on a healing journey to both discover myself and truly love myself – better still, honestly like myself.

At first, I thought truly understanding God’s love for me would be enough for me to like myself. It was a great help. Understanding God’s love for me and others, became my source of strength and empathy. However even though I knew God’s love for me, and I felt it for others, I struggled to give it to myself. I never really put myself first, as I did not feel I deserved it. I forgave myself, yet I didn't really like myself. When I recognised this, I even wondered if there was something wrong with my faith...

I eventually came to realise, although I tried my best to base my internal value upon God’s love for me and who He says I am as His daughter through Jesus, the world’s voices and my own were equally as important in impacting my wellbeing. Perhaps I was over-simplifying my need, as we are holistic beings who live in community with God, other people, and ourselves.

I knew I did not have all the answers to self-love, or the self-like I needed, so I continued to pursue things which I believed were in alignment with my talent/s, God would approve of, and would in turn become some foundations for a life I would be happy to have one day. I grew stronger in self-acceptance, but genuinely liking myself was still very difficult.

I found it easier to focus on my flaws rather than celebrating my abilities…and in truth it seemed humbler to stay this way. My mindset was, “If I am humble, loving and kind, the right people will accept and like me.”

Many times I covered up my excellence and competencies to make the ‘right people’ more comfortable around me, in the hope they would not be put-off and I would be more likeable. I played second to others. I upheld submissiveness and humility to avoid being seen as conceited, arrogant, snobby, or in love with myself. I saw myself at times almost like a martyr. I downplayed compliments, while praising others. I was self-deprecating in conversations. I held back my intellect. Too many times I let down my boundaries, and accepted less than what I deserved. I did not respect myself enough.

I tried so hard to be the ‘perfect Christian woman’, unknowingly I handed over my power and in turn my dignity – and honestly who likes someone like that? My effort to make other people more comfortable became compromises which made me dissatisfied. Sometimes other people devalued me, as they could not see the whole person I was capable of being.

I am not saying I was constantly like this, nor am I recommending a polar-opposite approach to humility as the answer…but I have found liking myself has finally come about through accepting and celebrating my talents and abilities and not being afraid to share this side with others from a fear of not being liked or accepted.

Liking myself has not come about through accepting God’s love and opinion of me alone (although that helped). Nor has it come about through getting to really know myself (again, although that has helped). It has not come about through acceptance of who I am as an individual either…all these areas helped but what helped me to like myself, was when I stopped trying to make everyone else happy, or comfortable around me – when I finally decided to advocate for myself and communicate what I deserved from others, I was able to implement healthy boundaries and became proud of myself for what I have achieved and overcome.

I realised one day recently I finally like myself, praise God.

Am I perfect? No, absolutely not, but this is no longer a factor…I can like myself today, even with flaws because I look at all the great and wonderful things about me and let go of the negative. I don’t think this is pride, or even self-acceptance – it’s better – it’s truly liking me for me right here, right now even though I know there’s better still to come.

Hope this helps someone -

Melanie.

 

Pride Come Before the Fall: Self Care and Humility.

As you may be aware I recently began a new chapter in life, working towards my Masters in Counselling. One subject this term is Self Care which looks at both personal and professional self care practices and boundaries for ourselves and our clients…

While theoretically the study is rather straight forward and the subject itself is not new for me, I must be honest and admit, taking a fresh look at the subject with where I am currently in my own life is something I have needed. 

You see, with the utmost sincere intention and enthusiasm I enrolled into the accelerated 12month Graduate Diploma program which comes before a second year for the Masters qualification. I thought, planned, and prayed, deciding this was the best option so I could attain my goal as quickly as possible while my youngest two children were still living at home. I just didn’t factor into my schedule for the unexpected things in life which seem to come out of nowhere…I also didn’t factor into my plan the need for down time to simple rest and do nothing, to just be still…

Something I have found personally beneficial for my own wellbeing and self care, is taking the time to just be still and present. It’s an integral part of enabling me to feel grounded and ready for the day ahead – this can be either at the start or end of my day. Sometimes I pray during these quiet moments. Sometimes I just lay, curled up in my bed and feel the soft fabric against my skin and ponder happy thoughts. I really need that time with myself alone, where I am not giving to anyone else.

Now back to that plan I made. My schedule in theory was reasonable and attainable but I did not factor in those unexpected ‘miscellaneous’ life happenings, or the need to just do nothing. The end goal was so appealing, I think it blinded me to my human fragility – yes, my pride was in the way.

Over a month ago I became unwell with a flu virus and to my frustration, I still am not fully recovered. I found myself needing more sleep than usual, still lacking energy, and suffering with a lingering, dry cough! I began to feel overwhelmed with my new work/study schedule. My pride however was honestly the main source of my frustration rather than my human frailty! I quickly realised I had made a mistake with my new plan, as I did not allow for the unexpected, or time to just do nothing! My pride associated in attaining the goal of finishing the qualification as quickly as possible almost became my undoing…

Thankfully my study mentor gave me a phone call to check in and without being aware of my current struggle, mentioned if I needed, I could change my enrolment to 18 months rather than the accelerated 12 months. I mentioned my health was suffering and would think about the option…yes, my pride was still in the way! I later went to a health appointment and was told my immune system was still low and I needed more time to recover. 

I was physically unwell and mentally a ball of stress! I did not want to change my goal! I believed however, God was speaking to me, so I called my study mentor back to make arrangements for changing my enrolment – this took letting go of my pride and choosing the self care option which took mature humility.

Yes, in theory self care is easy…but it’s not always so straight forward.

I have found taking a fresh look at this important subject of self care has reminded me the need for digging deep and taking the time for self reflection to really know ourselves – which does change in different seasons of our lives. When we take the time for self reflection in humility, this allows for better self care choices.

They say, ‘pride comes before the fall’ and I must agree this is great advice. I believe the solution to pride though is both humility and implementing realistic and personal self care practices.

Once I made the decision to let go of my pride and change my enrolment, peace followed. After the peace came, I felt the stress leave and began to enjoy my study. I became aware my focus on the end goal was hindering my appreciation of the journey and learning. I am reminded once again an achievement doesn’t define who I am, and external validations are mostly superficial. Oh how pride truly does get in the way so very often...

Love Melanie.

And So It Begins...

Another new chapter of life has begun in the life of this Ordinary Aussie Woman...

I have found, when youth has passed and you feel life should be both comfortable and reliable, a new chapter is not the most easiest to embrace with grace and courage.

But alas in truth, people and the world don't seem to change very much or very often, so I am sure you can relate to the fact that even when we feel entitled to enjoy our middle or latter years, we're forced to embrace yet another new chapter...oh how at times such as this I miss my youthful, excitable and optimistic youth...

What does embracing a new chapter of life gracefully and courageously look like for you?

For me once the period of grief has passed, the three main keys of a new chapter are: goal setting, routine and boundaries.

Goal Setting: I personally need to feel as if my days are counting towards a greater goal which is a part of my new chapter. I have recently begun study to work towards a a Masters in Counselling. While my new life chapter is both beginning and unfolding, I feel this goal will help give my life more focus and meaning each day.

Routine: As a creative person I can really struggle to maintain healthy routines as spontaneous ideas will often take precedence and I honestly can't bear a mundane lifestyle. Yet routine is good for me in times such as a new life chapter. So I've been implementing strategies to help me maintain a healthy, weekly routine which includes study, work, parenting and self-care. Routine really helps me battle laziness and procrastination!

Boundaries: I believe empathetic people can struggle with boundary setting and keeping, as their hearts can be so easily swayed. Yet boundaries are really important for our own mental health and wellbeing. I used to think boundaries were inflexible rules, yet I have found I have been able to embrace and implement them better once I began to view my boundaries as my own integral, personal standards. I was able to better understand the worth of boundaries once I was able to better comprehend my own worth as a unique and special woman.

I know the road ahead will be both challenging and full of unexpected surprises, yet I am determined to keep moving forward in hope...

And so it begins...a new chapter of life for me working towards my Masters in Counselling, as the grief of losing my marriage has passed. A new chapter being embraced with all the grace and courage I can muster due to my faith in Jesus who always remains faithful!

Would love to hear your thoughts on embracing new chapters in grace and courage,

love Melanie.